First things first...

And we be doing donuts while we waving the 380!

Did I hear this somewhere, or is it the fruit of my imagination?

"Don't give me doughnuts!"

Maybe it was a line from Nicki Minaj's album where the words don't really match the true meaning of the phrase. She is the perfect example of what I call 'code messaging' which I define to be something said or done with an after effect acronymization of WTF am I to do with this ?! Like when Nicki Minaj says 'we be doing donuts while we waving the 380' meaning she is driving really fast in small tight circles a.k.a. doing donuts, while shooting the Guradian 380 handgun in the air a.k.a. 'waving the 380'. I mean, I thought she is cooking donuts in a bakery shop while proudly waving $380 cash! How foolish of me to think that... Nicki Minaj would probably buy chewing gum and toothpicks with $380, not swing it in the air while baking donuts. *insert foolish looking emoticons*

By now, you should know that something more meaningful is coming your way and that we will draw on this silly example to make it that much more fun.

Have you ever been faced with a situation which left you thinking that there may be a hidden message behind it? Have you ever said something which wasn't really using the words you were thinking but was meant to send a certain message... indirectly? Have you ever acted a certain way in the hopes that you will get the message across without having to actually verbalize it? If it's a YES then let's start planning the wedding!  *got the joke? You say YES, then I metaphorically think about someone popping the 'Will you marry me?' question and we then plan the wedding. got it, got it?* If you are thinking 'She is such a show off' right now, I am giving you permission to continue thinking it... Because I am... A smart cookie! or Show Off! However you term it, the core message is still there, so are the following components of understanding the true message behind an action or a phrase.

There must have been a few episodes in your exciting and miraculous life when you found yourself reading a variation of this message: 'I have tried to tell you numerous times, but I can't continue like this. It's over!' Or other few episodes following the lines of: 'I have tried to be your friend and support you, but I can't be around anymore. It seems you don't appreciate all the things I have done for you and I can't keep giving without receiving.' Better yet that one time when your friend had that forced smile on their face, then looked at the bottom corner of the room, knotted their head then looked back at you raising their eyebrows and pinching their lips? Then you frowned your forehead thinking why they would act like that for no reason. For all these episodes of our lives, there is an explanation or two... Or multiple ones. People always tell you who they are, but are you listening? What should you be listening to when others talk to you? What should you be looking for in peoples' actions that holds a huge red flag above it? What diplomatic yet clear ways are there to get a message across without having to bluntly say 'Yes' or 'No' to a person? Grab a bag of popcorn, cuz you are about to find out.

These 3 awareness pillars will help you decode messages and actions from anyone you met or have met in person. In our days and times, sentences like: ' Would you like to be my friend?' or 'Do you want to be my girlfriend?' are rarely used, unless you are between the ages of 8-14. And, even though we should be masters of the world languages we dearly speak, verbalizing what we really think can sometimes get messy and leave us vulnerable to the point where we convince ourselves that it's better not to say it at all. It is thus a good idea, I'd say, to learn how to be better observers, don'cha think? The answer to the questions above do not have to come in a blunt YES and NO statement; better yet, a person may be answering it via other channels. So let's look at these channels for a second, shall we?!

When being OBSERVERS we must think that "It's not you, it's THEM!" Them, the other person in front of you who is sending the messages, typing the email, giving you the look, touching your shoulder and making you feel a certain way.  There are so many ways one can tell a message without actually saying it, but I would like to talk about only a handful. 

Their body language around you.

Here is the deal: being farther than 2 feet, looking at stuff around the room, talking in sentences and using a monotone voice are all red flags of an uncomfortable nature. Whether they all come at once like the flu, or in combinations, they all say the same thing: "I am not ready to let you inside my world". If you'd have to pick one as your overall guide, pick distance- the distance at which they situate themselves from you will dictate the relationship you have with them IN. THEIR. MIND. Not the relationship you think you have, but theirs. If someone is interested in building a bridge, they will look you in the eyes at all times regardless if an attractive person happens to be across the room, they will stay besides you and get as close as they can, use variations of their voice to bring excitement, curiosity or sadness to the conversation, which will not feel like the two of you are taking turns to talk. Conversation has this unconscious flow when two people connect and the answer is always YES, I want to know about that time you closed that deal, and YES, I want to share my childhood mistake and YES, I want to share the colour of my socks. These cues are all answers to your questions that are given to you indirectly and regardless of the nature of your interest when interacting with a person.

Their energy around you and away from you.

Now, there are people who have the same energy in any situation, there are people who fake their energy in some situations and there are people who simply change their energy when you are around. In the hopes of decoding unspoken messages, try the following: observe how the person in front of you interacts with others while they are with you or separated from the vicinity of your super awesome body. Does their face lighten up when they see you, or do the blink twice and put on a fake smile? Blinking is one common feature I have noticed over the years... When people don't want to see you they blink more often than they should. It's their way of trying magic - "If I blink, will this person disappear? Heck, let's give it a try!"another good one is if they start talking to you, but look somewhere else precisely one second prior to opening their mouth. The way I like to observe people's energy is through a real life experiment *YES, I do love psychology*. Create a situation that can be considered irritating or unpleasant for the other person and see how their energy changes around you and away from you. If you are the type who is being stepped on all the times, stand up for once, bring all your ammunition forward and see what happens. You will get your questions answered with the speed of light. A passive aggressive person will have the desire to wrap their hands around your neck mirrored in their eyes... how does that look like? Just pay attention, you will see it!

Their use of language in all circumstances.

'Oh, my Gooooood. This project was sooooo long and tiiiring, I feel like dropping everything and booking a vacation in Cuuba' versus ' I have put in so much work in this project and I would love to reward myself with a vacation to Cuba'. What does the first message say? Whinny, needy, nagging, insecure, volatile. What does the second message say? Hard worker, successful, confident, realistic. The truth is, a person will answer you whether or not they consider themselves successful. You will know if they like to whine and b!tch about others. Their self-confidence will come out automatically when talking about self-image, other people's bodies, who they blame their mistakes on and other spicy and useless crabs. The beauty of this is that it doesn't have to come out like a laundry list or a questionnaire, but through the unconscious burst of words that create sentences, which create clean-your-ears-and-pay-attention phrases. You can also tell whether a person values consistency through their tone of voice. Remember that person back in the day who looked calm and settled, then you said something funny and they scared the living hell out of you because they laughed? Or that colleagues who becomes a completely different person when the boss is around talking in sweet tongues and wishful kiss-a$$ riddles? YEP! People will show you how consistent they are through their use of language and tonality.

So, no matter whether the person in front of you is your lover, friend, parent, colleague, neighbour, dog walker or personal trainer, so long you become and observer and use these 3 simple but extremely descriptive strategies, you will have the answers to your questions without having to take a deep breath into your lungs, open your mouth and gesticulate your arms to form the physical embodiment of asking questions.

Now, do you want to know the real message behind this post? I told you I am not that obvious, right? You should see it coming by now...


*drums drums drums*

Where do you situate yourself on the above 3 channels of self-expressing?

Let me paint the picture... Hop on the streetcar, get off at 376 College St., get a Wild Blueberry Doughnut from Jelly Modern Doughnuts, and take an hour to think about your body language, your energy and your language. Then share it with me and leave me a comment! I'd love to hear from you World! 

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